Genesis 25:7-11 & 27:1-40
Welcome
children. I hope you’re thirsty, because
today I’m serving tea straight from the book of Genesis. Spoiler alert. Jacob is a big ole douchebag and don’t let
anybody tell you anything different.
By
this time, Abraham, God’s bae, has died.
We have moved on to Isaac and his sons, Esau and Jacob. It is the classic story of parents loving one
child more than the other and putting fake hair on your favorite son to help
him steal his brother’s blessing. But
I’m getting ahead of myself.
First
of all, you should know that these two yahoos are twins. Esau was born first and apparently came out
looking like a red Wookie. Jacob wasn’t
far behind, literally, because it is said that he was born holding Esau’s
heel. When you reek of desperation from
birth, am I right? (Genesis 25:19-26)
So
one day, when they’re older, Esau comes in from hunting and finds Jacob cooking
a stew. Well, after working so hard,
Esau is like, “Hey, can I have some of that stew because I’m exhausted.” And Jacob is all, “Oh no problem, my
dude. Just one thing; sell me your
birthright.” To which Esau says, “Whatever.
I’m literally going to die if I don’t eat RIGHT NOW. So what good is that birthright if I’m
dead? Take it.” And that’s how Esau sold his inheritance for
a bowl of soup…which sounded vegan, so did you even get your money’s worth?
Fast-forward
a few years…decades? I don’t know, but
Isaac is dying so he tells Esau, his favorite son, to go hunt game, make him dinner,
and then he will give him his blessing.
Exit Esau and pan left to see Rebekah, Isaac’s wife, listening around
the corner. (OMG. I just realized that the Bible is basically a
Telenovela.) ANYWAY, back to
Rebekah. She goes to Jacob, HER favorite
son, and says, “You have to let me make your dad’s favorite meal and sneak in
and steal Esau’s blessing.” Jacob is
hesitant. Not because he’s a good person
or anything, but because he’s like a naked mole rat and his brother is a hairy
Sasquatch. But Rebekah insists, “Go get
a couple of goats and I’ll take care of the rest.
So
Rebekah makes the food and then dresses Jacob in Esau’s clothes and put the goatskin
on Jacob’s arms and neck so he would “feel like his brother.” Now, it’s been a minute since I touched a
goat…but Imma going to go ahead and say that it does not feel the same as arm
hair. Maybe I’m wrong, because it
tricked old Isaac even though he kept saying stuff like, “You FEEL like Esau,
but you sound like Jacob, ah well, here is the apparently only blessing I’m
able to give.”
Then
two seconds later the real Esau walks in:
Esau: Hi, dad!
It is I, your favorite and eldest son, back from the hunt and ready for
my blessing.
Isaac: WHAAA?
Who? Then who was that? Because I just gave the last dude my blessing
and you know the rules, no take backsies!
And
surprise, surprise; Esau now hates his brother.
Bye,
going to pitch this to Telemundo.
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